“Are you a virgin?” “What’s your body count?” these are questions every adolescent female has definitely heard before. It’s not ridiculous. Sex is a natural and healthy part of life and relationships. Sadly, this leads some of us into rushed decisions because we don’t want to disappoint. Although we face a lot of external pressure the worst and most dangerous kind is the one we put on ourselves.
For three years I haven’t had an accurate answer to these questions. There’s no universal definition for virginity, believe me I’ve looked. Some say it’s when your hymen tears, others say it’s when you actually have sex, some also say just the tip counts and others even joke that if you didn’t cum it didn’t happen.
When I was 17 I fell somewhat in love with this beautiful Dutch boy. He had intoxicating green eyes and a goofy smile. He only cared about sex and weed but occasionally he’d say something sweet which I would use to reassure myself that there was hope. Deep down, I knew he didn’t like me but I thought I could change that. At prime virginity-losing age, I was in a hurry to contribute to the hoe stories my friends would often share. And if giving him what he was getting from other girls would make him like me more I wouldn’t complain.
So, one night, with not nearly enough foreplay and my nerves all over the place, I gave in. But then something happened. My lady bits weren’t cooperating so I asked him to stop. He wasn’t even in yet but I couldn’t take the pain. I picked myself up without even checking if I bled and went home. It shouldn’t have hurt that much.
Emotionally I was okay, physically, I thought I had torn my vagina. To make matters worse I was now in this awkward virgin- non-virgin state. So, weeks later, I thought I’d try again but then he hit on my friend, in front of me. He didn’t care that I was trusting him with this huge gem. I cried myself to sleep that night and deleted his number. For good this time.
For two years, I abstained. Not exactly because I wanted to, I just couldn’t trust anyone like that again. Anytime I thought it could happen, the person would let me down. Being in that awkward in-between stage however, pissed me off so much. I hated not being able to explain my situation to people. I realize now I was carrying an unnecessary burden. I owed no one insight into my personal life. After all, people will believe whatever they want anyway.
I just wanted to feel grown, like a real woman. Sometimes I was tempted to ask a friend to help me just get it over with but then I’d rub one out and cum back to my senses. (see what I did there?) There was always this lingering internalized pressure to drop whatever was left of my virginity like a hot potato with a spider on it, that’s why when late night movies at a friend’s house turned into something else, I didn’t stop it. I was finally going to complete my transition. But guys, give history the same people, same circumstances, same lack of foreplay and it will definitely repeat itself. Here I was again.
I couldn’t believe I was back to square one. Was my body count 0 or 2? Did I play myself by not toughing it out and getting satisfied? Why did this keep happening? Was there something wrong with me?
So many questions, not nearly enough answers. However, slowly but surely, they came to me. The first one being, my thoughts and feelings not translating to my actions. These guys clearly didn’t see my virginity as big deal probably because I didn’t treat it as such. I wasn’t expecting 50 shades of grey (or maybe I was) but I deserved better. I owed myself better, I just didn’t act accordingly.
Now I know not everyone wants to make a big deal about their first time but there are certain facts that need to be taken into consideration in order to not hurt yourself both physically and emotionally.
First, understand that if you agree to just sex with someone, that’s all it is, just sex. Don’t try and sneak feelings into the mix and get upset with him if it backfires. Sadly, many girls are guilty of this crime. This probably isn’t the first time you’re seeing this, but ill repeat it anyway for the culture. Sex won’t make him like you. Stop making excuses and exceptions, it just won’t. He might keep you around for a while but 99.9 % of the time, real love can never be built and last on just sex. Save yourself the heartbreak and think about what you’re getting into.
There’s no finish line or award for losing your virginity because having sex doesn’t make you grown. Yeah, I said it. You don’t skip a couple of years in life if you lose your virginity early. Personally, I believe you should engage if you genuinely feel you’re ready but it is advisable to be of a higher age where you can make more sensible and un-influenced decisions.
Vaginitis is real, but don’t be so quick to blame yourself if losing your virginity doesn’t go as planned the first few times. Depending on who you ask, sex is either going to hurt a lot the first few times, just the first time or not at all, we aren’t all the same. However, despite the category you will fall into, foreplay and lube are always key, even for non-virgins. I mean, you wouldn’t go down a water slide if there was no water, would you? Even if you would I can’t imagine you’d have any fun. The same principle should apply here. Men don’t need foreplay as much as women so many of them try to speed past it, do not allow it. If he gives you grief for that and doesn’t want to put in the effort to make your experience more pleasurable, then he’s a selfish twat who doesn’t deserve your cookie in the first place no matter how bad you want to get laid. After all, there are plenty of men in the sea. Yes, men. “Fish don’t own yachts duh” –Hilary Banks.
You should always think twice before getting into certain situations but still, never be afraid to say no. People are allowed to change their minds all the time and no one is entitled to your unswayable consent. He might be upset but he’ll get over it and you won’t do something you’ll later regret.
Do not leave your reproductive health in the hands of a male. He has nothing to lose and you have everything to. If he insists on not using protection because “it doesn’t feel good” tell him it feels better than no sex at all. Pull up your pants and let him know it’s not happening until he stops being stupid. Men will use every excuse in the book to get you to let your guard down. Don’t let a momentary lapse of judgement cost you a lifetime of regret. Pregnancy, STD’s and STI’s can change your life forever. Always be careful.
Sex is awkward and far from perfect, forget what you’ve seen in the movies.
However, when you’re comfortable you can get through anything with ease. You can laugh at your embarrassing moments and learn from your mistakes. Sex is supposed to be a fun activity and it doesn’t get any better than experiencing it without all the pressure and tension. Patience is key.
Honestly there’s not enough research that can be done or enough advice that can be given to prepare you for the big moment. Some say sex is overrated. I think sex is probably great, but sex with the right person will be amazing. I wouldn’t know yet for sure though and that’s okay, because tomorrow is another day.
Written by Yasmin Al-Rahim