Let’s talk about sex (sort of).
The world revolves around sex. It’s a part of life. Music and media utilize it as its fail-safe marketing tool for almost well, information pills everything. In addition to creating new life…
Sex is pretty d*mn enjoyable. *winky face emoji*
When done well, capsule (i.e. proper consent & methods of protection) it’s an intimate way to get to know another person. It’s also a way to release stress and tension. Y’all sex burns calories (it truly just keeps winning). Honestly, case truly. There is a fascination, almost obsession around who’s partaking, who isn’t and why. How much folks are indulging. The laundry list of variety and kinks that people enjoy.
Personally, I decided to explore that territory when I turned 15. It wasn’t anything like the movies, books and music had said it would be. There was no magic, just two lanky teens trying to figure it all out. Afterwards, came the mental and emotional side of things.
Everything is so set up to get you having sex, but you don’t really get a handbook afterwards that says, “Well you’ve had sex- now what?”
I noticed a difference in my exchanges with friends that I had known for ages before I was no longer a virgin. There was new type of curiosity as well as a sense that people would only get close in hopes that you’d have sex with them. There was also this feeling of liberation, finally being “in” on the secret that was sex. I felt powerful in a misguided type of way. I was in control. I was desired. Because in the end, that’s the message that was at the center of the music and movies and magazines. You WANT to be desirable. Sex is supposed to make you desirable.
For all the power and control I felt for a little while, there was also the downside of outside judgement and feelings of dissatisfaction. I started feeling control slipping through my fingers and my partners wills being my main concern, being more present over even my own happiness at times. This was before we reached a point of really promoting self-love and saying that it is absolutely okay to live loudly and have agency over our own bodies and sexual lives… Being carefree.
For the longest; I struggled with both the metrics and optics of being able to explore my own sexual being in a male dominated world, both comparing and contrasting experiences and views with friends.
For the most part, it just seemed like nobody was sure about what it was exactly that they wanted. It was preferred if you knew something about sex, but not too much, because then that would make you a hoe. At the same time, you’ve got those who preferred virgins, but they themselves were learning from folks who had ‘experience’.
The double standards were exhausting. Internalizing all the double standards was exhausting. Trying to carefully walk the line that was conditioned to cater to male gaze was exhausting.
At 19, I had met my limit. My mental health wasn’t in the best shape from a few emotionally manipulative pairings over the course of my exploring sex. Emotionally, I was drained. I was tired of always feeling like there were ulterior motives at play in interactions. So, I decided to do something about it.
I made the decision to be celibate.
I figured that time would allow me to get back to a healthy mental state and emotional being, as well as getting to truly know people. My reasoning was that by taking away a major lure and being honest and upfront about it, I’d be able to narrow down who was truly worthy and who really wanted to be around to get to know me.
Celibacy is a major step and it isn’t for everybody. However, for those contemplating it; really think about what you aim to achieve during your time. It’s easier to stick to your celibacy when you know why you’re doing it to begin with. Is it time to focus on yourself and re-evaluate your goals? Is it just time in between relationships? Sometimes, it can just be that you haven’t been around someone that you feel is worthy enough to share yourself with.
Hey, sex is fun. Your mental & emotional health is important. Do what’s best for you. ‘Cause you slay.
Written by Aubri Elle